I'd like to thank you for showing your house to us today. Unfortunately, we will not be putting in an offer on your home. I'd like to give you a few tidbits of advice to help you sell your home faster.
1. When the prospective buyer comes to the door to view your home do not start yelling frantically "THEY'RE HERE!!! THEY'RE HERE!!!"
*Side Note: There was no one else in the home. Do NOT scare prospective buyers with your multiple personalities.
2. When prospective buyers ask you about the leak in the garage, the water damage in bathroom and other various broken items, please do not keep repeating that your husband is supposed to fix these things. We don't believe you.
3. Your house was so filthy that I bathed in hand sanitizer once we left. It is not necessary for you to repeatedly tell me that your house just needs "a good once over and cleaning". It needed a good six-over and old fashioned fire.
4. Your carpet was covered in stains. I saw them, no need to point them all out. Furthermore you do NOT need to tell me that you have a sickly dog. Now that I understand that I'm walking through dog waste, I am rubbing hand sanitizer on my feet and flip flops.
*Note to Self- buy more hand sanitizer
5. When I walked into your daughter's room, I pretended not to see the period blood stained underwear on the floor. Don't be fooled, I saw them and almost vomited.
* I applied more hand sanitizer just to be safe.
6. When we walk around the countless piles of crap all over your bedroom, don't tell me that you can't wait for trash day so you can throw some things out. I know you're lying because it appears that you haven't thrown one damn thing away in the 8 years you've lived here.
I hope you take my advice to heart and decide to clean up your home before another innocent victim oops I mean buyer comes to your door.
Sincerely,
Vicki Verougstraete
P.s. I'm sending you the bill for my hand sanitizer.
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